True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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