Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
