Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
