The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
