Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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