I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
