Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
