Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
