Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
