I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
