my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
