I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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