if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
