Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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