Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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