you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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