dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
