Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
