if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
