Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
