I think my fart just growled at me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
