Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
