2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
