I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
