Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
