McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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