i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
