I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize