just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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