You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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