She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
