my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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