Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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