Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
