I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
