Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
