remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
