On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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