i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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