I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
