i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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