I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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