so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
