So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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