Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize