I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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