I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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