wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
