This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
