I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
