i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
