This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
