half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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