I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
