i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
