you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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