I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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