oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
