I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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