we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
